Sorrows of Adoration Read online

  “But an honourable man would wish to stop a dishonourable act,” I said.

  Kurit nodded thoughtfully. “Yes, he would. It would be a question of which was the greater dishonour—to break an oath or to uphold the law.”

  “That’s a difficult question,” Jarik said. “A man’s oath is his honour. But the King’s Guards swear an oath to uphold the law and act in righteousness. It would be a question of which oath to break.”

  “And given that breaking the oath against his lord could mean expulsion …” started Kurit.

  “Or worse punishments, depending on how he broke the oath,” Jarik interjected.

  “… then inevitably the man would chose to serve his lord.” Kurit leaned forward in the chair, resting his forehead on his entwined hands.

  “Then change the oath sworn to the lords to include a phrase that says, ‘I swear this oath on the condition that my lord does not harm the innocent,’” I suggested.

  Kurit sat back up and shook his head. “No, the oath cannot contain a condition. The point of an oath is to swear allegiance, even when it is difficult to give it.”

  “But,” said Jarik, “it could be made law that the King’s Guards must uphold their pledge to the King, to uphold the law, above any other oath made.”

  “So then they could strike against a lord who was doing wrong,” I added.

  Kurit rose from his chair and began to pace about the room, rubbing his chin in thought. “No, that would never pass as law. The Council would not approve.”

  “What if it became part of their oath to the King to report any lawbreaking, by anyone, and then that must be upheld above any other oath?” I asked.

  “That won’t save the girl who is assaulted,” Jarik sighed.

  “No,” I agreed. “It won’t. But perhaps if the men who commit such crimes knew their guards would be obliged to report it …”

  “They would be less likely to commit the offence in the first place,” Jarik finished.

  Kurit continued to pace, tapping his finger to his lips as he pondered our idea. “It is certainly a matter worth discussing with my father. I’ll tell him what we discussed and ask if he thinks your solution is a viable one.” He sat back down near me and took my hand, still deep in thought. He stared at my hand, fixated on it as he pondered this terrible truth I had revealed.

  “I am glad you brought this matter to our attention, Aenna,” Jarik said, looking at me with concern. “I am grateful to the Gods that you were not hurt yourself.”

  Kurit raised my hand to his lips and pressing it there, his eyes closed. “I think I’d go into a mad rage if you told me anyone had done such a thing to you,” he said in a voice rough with anger and sorrow. “I’d hunt him down and put my blade through his vile heart.”

  I moved my hand to his cheek and caressed it softly to reassure him. “I’m very fortunate to not have to worry about my own safety any more.”

  “You certainly don’t,” Jarik said emphatically. “I would cut down anyone who dared to hurt you.”

  I smiled at him, not just because I appreciated his protection, but also because I wanted them both to stop brooding on such a horrible subject, now that a possible means to reduce such activity had been proposed. “I am grateful that I have two dear men to protect me. I wish every woman did.”

  Kurit nodded slowly, still upset. “We’ll do what we can, Aenna. Thank you for your wisdom in this.” He kissed my hand again and looked at me dearly. “This is why I keep telling you that you will be a worthy Queen. There is so much that you know that we do not. You have lived as one of the people, and your experiences lend you insights that no lady of the court could ever possess.” He rose and came to me. I stood to let him hold me. He lifted me from the ground and carried me to an armless chair. He sat there, holding me on his lap, cradling me as though I had been hurt and he was trying to comfort me. He kissed my forehead several times, rocking me softly, and it was comforting to us both, so I let him continue until our meals arrived.

  We ate quietly, the men picking at their food, still upset. I felt empathy for them, but I had lived with these truths for such a long time that I could not share their fresh outrage, so I ate my full meal, and was glad to have it.

  After we finished, Jarik asked if I felt safe to sleep in my own room and offered to stand watch outside my door. I declined his sweet offer and assured them that I would bolt the door, and since they were beside me I could easily call them if I needed to.

  Kurit escorted me to my room, which was much smaller but certainly adequate. He held me in his arms for a long time and then kissed me softly.

  “Are you certain you will be well on your own in here?” he asked. There was an edge to his voice, and I felt guilty for making him so upset with the awful truths I had told. I kissed him, then held him tight, and assured him once again that I was fine. As my head rested on his chest, I could hear that his heart was still pounding in worry.

  “I’m sorry I told you those things, but I really thought it common knowledge,” I said.

  “No, no, Aenna, don’t be sorry. You are not at fault for the truth. These are things we should be aware of. It is revolting that I had to hear it from you, but don’t blame yourself for that. I’m glad you told us. You must promise to never withhold a truth from me, no matter how upset you think I shall be.”

  “If that’s what you wish.”

  “It is. It is unpleasant to hear such things, but it would be a thousand times worse to not hear them and let the injustices continue.” He squeezed me tight, and I did likewise. Then he kissed me goodnight, and as he left he told me to bolt the door immediately and be sure to bang on the wall between our rooms if I needed him.

  “For anything, Aenna. Even if you’re just upset and cannot sleep.”

  I agreed and bolted the door as soon as he closed it. I did it roughly, that he might hear it and relax.

  Once I was ready for bed and had tucked myself under the covers, I became aware that I could hear voices through the wall between our rooms. Kurit was easily audible, as most of what he said was done so exuberantly, and because Jarik’s bed shared a wall with my own, I was even able to hear his softer, lower voice. I would have simply gone to sleep and ignored them, but I heard my name mentioned and couldn’t help but listen.

  “Don’t so easily dismiss Aenna’s insecurity,” Jarik advised, “or it will feed on itself and might cause her to run away again.”

  Kurit’s response sounded exasperated. “I do realize that, Jarik. I wasn’t trying to make light of it. It’s just frustrating trying to convince her repeatedly that I mean what I say.”

  I remembered being told as a child that eavesdroppers only hear ill of themselves. Hearing Kurit’s weariness of trying to convince me to be with him filled me with remorse.

  “I don’t think she doubts your convictions,” said Jarik, which was true, and I was glad Kurit would hear it. “She simply doesn’t believe that you are correct in them.” That also was true, though I regretted it.

  “So tell her yourself,” Kurit replied. “You agree with me.”

  “Why do you think I put her hand in yours?”

  Kurit chuckled. “That was very smooth of you.”

  “I didn’t do it to be smooth, you vile rogue,” Jarik retorted.

  “Righteous half-wit,” Kurit teased in return.

  Jarik came back again with: “Contemptible knave.”

  I stifled a giggle at their silliness.

  “I had the wit to deduce that your words weren’t convincing her, and I thought maybe another opinion would help,” Jarik continued.

  “Clearly, it did.”

  “Well, don’t be a fool and think she’s going merrily along with you. It’s entirely obvious that she’s distraught still.” Jarik’s words continued to hit the mark, and though I was glad to have someone expressing my feelings without it having to be myself, it was eerie that this man knew what was in my heart when I had hardly ever spoken with him.

  “So, oh
wise lover of women,” Kurit mocked, “what do you suggest I do, if she doesn’t believe my praises?”

  Jarik was quiet for a moment and then replied, “Keep good on your promise to tell your father about this unpleasant trend we’ve somehow missed. Give her credit for bringing it to your attention. Show everyone back home that she has something to offer, and that will prove to her that she does.”

  I considered what he proposed and thought that, indeed, I would be more apt to believe Kurit’s kind words of my worth if I saw that I could help to reduce such injustices. I smiled to myself in the darkness, wondering what it would be like to have ideas for solutions that could actually become implemented in meaningful ways. What a delight that would be!

  “I intend to bring up the matter,” said Kurit. “It’s revolting. But your advice is sound, for a pious half-wit.” I don’t know what Jarik did in response to the tease, but I did hear a sudden thud from their room, followed by a loud “oof” grunt from Kurit. I suspected the much larger and stronger Jarik had whacked him with a pillow or perhaps thrown a boot at him.

  Kurit moaned exaggeratedly and said, “Brute!”

  “Weakling,” muttered Jarik in mock derision. His comment was followed by another brief noise of commotion.

  “Cursed thug!” Kurit moaned.

  “Kick me again, and I’ll tear your leg off,” Jarik threatened without inflection. I briefly wondered if he was kidding, but the ensuing silliness quickly relieved that concern.

  “Pah,” Kurit jeered.

  “I’ll ram it down your scrawny neck.”

  “Go ahead and try,” Kurit dared him.

  “You’ll suffer indigestion from wiggling your toes,” Jarik said in a forced monotone.

  I had stifled my giggles at first, lest they should hear me and know I had been listening, but Jarik’s last line made me laugh out loud despite my efforts. Thankfully, by the time my mirth could not be contained, they were already laughing loudly themselves and would not have heard me.

  As the laughter in both rooms subsided and they fell to talking of other things, I drifted to sleep happily for the first time since leaving Endren.

  Sometime during the night I woke in alarm, hearing footsteps outside my door. I sat bolt upright, hand raised to bang on the wall, pausing only to see if whoever was there would try to open my door. It seemed, however, that the soul in the darkness was content to remain still.

  I very quietly rose from the bed and tiptoed to the door. Kneeling, I put my head on the floor to look under the door, and peering into the darkness I saw only what appeared to be a man’s feet, standing still against the wall across from my room. I heard a soft noise, and then there was a small amount of light near the man.

  Carefully and quietly, I rose to full kneeling height to peer out the keyhole, sure that he could not be looking in from across the hall.

  There stood Jarik, having just lit a wall lantern, and I sighed in relief. He rubbed absently at his eyes, looking quite tired. By his posture, though, he didn’t seem about to leave. I watched for a minute or so as he stood there, guarding my door.

  I considered telling him to go to bed, but in truth I felt that much safer that he was there. And I had told him not to bother to guard me, yet there he was, so clearly he intended to do so with or without my request.

  I rose slowly to my feet and returned to bed, sleeping all the easier for knowing that such a good man watched over me.

  * * *

  We left early in the morning’s light, as we wished to reach Endren before it was dark. I rode side-saddle again with Kurit, but the narrower path through the forests in this region prevented Jarik from riding alongside us. He led the way, always the Prince’s protector.

  The horses settled into a steady, quick pace. I rested my head on Kurit’s chest and tried not to feel nervous about our return.

  In time, the rhythmic rocking motion of the horse and the fresh air combined with being so close to Kurit—hearing his heart beat even over the rush of wind and thunder of hooves, being enveloped in his warmth and alluring masculine scent—it all aroused me. I closed my eyes in daydreams, thinking impure thoughts, fantasizing about a wedding night of passion. Soon the fantasies were so lustful I grew embarrassed and tried to shake them away.

  I moved my head to gaze up at him. He caught my glance and smiled down at he. That smile—I know it sounds ridiculously girlish, but it made my heart flutter. He loved me. I knew that he loved me.

  He lowered his head and kissed me, and I was so very aroused that I could not help but return it enthusiastically. After the kiss, I rested my head against his chest again, burning inside with my thoughts of fantasy.

  “Mmmm,” came the happy sound, resonating in his chest. Of course, I was embarrassed at my thoughts and hoped he had not sensed my arousal in the kiss.

  “What is it?” I asked, raising my head again to look at him innocently.

  He leaned forward and whispered into my ear, “That was no innocent kiss, my dear.”

  I looked away, trying to hide any blush that might have appeared. “I don’t know what you mean,” I said, hoping to sound truthful.

  Again he whispered right to my ear, “If that were true, you wouldn’t be blushing so deeply.”

  That certainly did not help me at all. I felt my face grow very warm. After a moment, I dared to look at him, only to see him give me a roguish wink.

  Determined not to allow this behaviour to continue—on his part or my own—I forced myself to give him a reproachful look. I tried in my own mind to pretend I had not thought anything the least bit lewd.

  But then the rascal whispered to me again, saying, “Don’t give me a scolding look because of your impure thoughts.” Then he laughed softly, mischievously.

  I tried to look indignant but felt the blush rise again. Oh, he was a cad, and yet his brash words aroused me all the more!

  He laughed softly again and then whispered, “You think me a beast for saying that, don’t you?”

  “Yes, you are a beast,” I said, for he was.

  “Only because you want me to be one,” he replied and kissed me with a fiery passion that threatened to expose just how right he was.

  I forced myself to pull away, breathless from excitement and embarrassment. “No, that’s not … I thought no such thing!” I stammered pathetically.

  “You don’t desire me?” he whispered with mock pain.

  “Yes, but—”

  “And your kiss betrayed the lust in your heart.”

  “But I—”

  “And we are to be wed, so there’s no shame in it.”

  I was deeply embarrassed nonetheless. Then something occurred to me, and I decided to use what I could to no longer be the guilty one in this game. “Then why are you whispering, if there’s no shame in what you say?” I asked.

  He had no quick rogue’s answer to that! After a moment he admitted, “Because if Jarik up there heard me speaking to you like this, he’d likely land his fist in my face.”

  I tried not to smile as I said, “Is he not as scurrilous a knave as you?”

  Kurit leaned back from me and brought his hand to his heart, feigning that I had wounded him with my jest.

  I sat proudly in the saddle and said, “If you can’t behave, perhaps I should ride with him.”

  His face fell as he pretended to sulk. “Very well, I’ll be good.”

  “Very well then.” We rode quietly for a few minutes, I trying my best not to smile at him. It didn’t work. He was such a silly fool.

  Eventually he leaned to whisper in my ear again, saying, “But there was lust in your kiss.”

  I made a move as if I intended to grab the reins and stop the horse, though of course I would never do anything so foolishly dangerous. He put them in one hand and held them far to the side above my legs, where I could not reach them. He laughed and said, “Sorry, sorry, I’ll be good. I promise.”

  I tried again to give him a reproachful look to imply that he had better behave, b
ut his false look of innocence made me laugh. I shook my head at him, unable to stop smiling. He was being a beast, all the worse for knowing I did truly enjoy his naughtiness.

  I rested my head against him again, and he put his arms back around me to take the reins in both hands again. He kissed my forehead gently and said, “See? I can be good. I’ll do whatever you wish, Aenna, so long as you stay with me.”

  I felt immediately guilty for hurting him by leaving. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t want to go.”

  “Oh, I didn’t mean that. I know you felt that you had to. I understand that, and I don’t blame you,” he said seriously and then smiled again. “I just meant I don’t want you to call Jarik back here.”

  “Because you don’t want me to ride with him, or because you’re afraid he’ll cause you injury?”

  He laughed loudly and said, “Both!”

  “Does he frequently injure you?”

  “No, not really. When we were boys we wrestled all the time, all in good fun, as boys are wont to do. Then he grew so much bigger than I. Probably because I had to take more indoor classes, and he had to study more arts of battle, not to mention the extra two years of age he had on his side. Our play fighting became dangerous; he once accidentally dislocated my shoulder. He felt guilty for a long time but seems to be over that now,” he said sarcastically. “Now he’s such a skilled warrior that he can knock me senseless before I can even react, and if I try the same on him, I pay for it.”

  I schooled my expression to not reveal that I knew that well, having heard them the night before. “And do you think he’d knock you senseless if he knew how wretchedly naughty you were a moment ago?”

  He gave me a wry look and then said innocently, “I’m being good now, so I won’t indulge that with a response.”

  “That’s very sweet,” I replied with a kiss on his cheek, making him smile. “You’re more like brothers than cousins.”

  Kurit nodded. “The fact is, I like that he is too fast for any trick I try. It’s reassuring to know that I’m less likely to be assassinated when he’s around. I greatly admire his skill. But,” he said, waving his finger at me in mock threat, “if you tell him I said that, I’ll deny it, and then when we’re alone I’ll tickle you until you scream.”